Dear Non-Stretch Denim Jeans,
I really miss you. Do you remember the days when I could put you on and with a few plie squats we’d be like old pals? Remember that? I do.
Now, when I put on a worn-in pair of jeans, they fit. I mean, they really fit. Skinnily. My legs are encased like sausages and no matter how many squats I perform, these jeans, these awful jeans, just keep going back exactly where they were. And don’t even get me started on the low rise of these lycra-ridden jeans. Seriously, I am sure that no designer working on the jeans in today’s market ever had children. Instead, these carefree childless heathens continue designing pants that seem to cup my mom flub as if mocking my body for its inability to be comfortable in this style.
Now, I am not saying for an instant that I want some “Mom Jeans.” I don’t even want “Not Your Mother’s Jeans.” All I am saying is that I would love to go into Gap or Old Navy, heck, even Target and pick up a pair of jeans that fit like jeans! That stretch over time instead of overcoming gravity and other laws of nature to remain permanently taut over my weary legs.
I have been on the hunt for perfect jeans (that don’t cost a fortune) for about 3 years now. That’s a long time to spend on this one task. Every time I think that I have found the perfect jean online, I go to the store and I try them on. And it’s awful; they are too long, they make me look like a pear, they have weird pockets. The story is always the same. I leave the store dejected and wondering whether that perfect pair of jeans even exists.
The fact that I am getting old and that non-stretch denim is as rare as a unicorn was made so apparent to me over Christmas break last year. I walked into Old Navy and asked the teenage worker if they had jeans that looked like trousers: straight leg, mid-rise, clean cut, regular denim. Her response broke my heart, “Um, those were popular, like, 10 years ago. We haven’t carried them since then.” Ouch!
Still, I continue hunting for the perfect jeans that feel like home, that I never want to wash because I don’t want to mess up the way they fit when I first put them on. But, I promise that I will wash them when needed. With these mythical perfect jeans, three squats and they’ll fit perfectly even if I had to dry them on high heat.
You exist, perfect jeans! You might be hiding out like the Loch Ness Monster, but I believe you are out there. At least once a week, I open up my web browser and stalk you. Sometimes I get so close, but you always seem to get away. But that’s not stopping me. No, it just makes me more determined the find you, buy you and wear you until you literally dry rot off my body. This might take some time, but that’s OK. You are worth it.
See you soon,
Alexa
[Photo by: graphicleftovers.com]
