Guest blog by Carrice Quinnie
Aside from our roles as mothers, we are individuals with interests, passions, and desires.
I’m a mother of three lovely little divas. Their ages are 11, 9 and 6 months. I have been a mother since the age of 23. For little over a decade, I have been doing this thing we call motherhood.
Before I had children I was a care free college student – doing exactly what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I would spend time with friends on a moment’s notice – shopping every weekend and partying just as much.
Once I knew I was expecting a baby – something inside me switched. I worked, but I found a full-time job. I had a piece of car, but I then bought a new car that would be safer for a child. I stopped partying and tried to prepare myself as much as possible for my new life as a mother.
After my first daughter was born, I was different. I had immediate responsibilities. All my attention was on her and her father – what they needed and what they wanted.
Then 22 months later I had my second daughter.
I still kept the same focus. I only worked out because I knew my husband wasn’t attracted to fat women. I cooked and cleaned consistently. I woke up in the morning, cooked his breakfast, and then saw him off to work. I got my girls up, took the oldest to preschool (to help her develop social skills) and then me and the baby were off to the YMCA.
I worked out, ran errands, picked up my oldest from preschool and then back home. I did some type of activity with girls for their enrichment and then started to prepare dinner. My husband would come home after work (he just had to eat and sleep). I made sure he had no stress in his home life. I always gave the girls their baths and put them to bed.
I was what I thought I needed to be as a mother and a wife. They were being taken care of. My girls always were clean and my husband never went hungry and always had clean clothes. But what about me? What did Carrice need as a woman, a mother, a wife? I was their nanny, housekeeper, cook and driver. What did I like? What were my gifts?
I did not know.
One day my husband asked my daughter if she knew what he did for a living. My daughter responded, “Yes, my Daddy plays football.” Then he asked what does your mother do. She said, “Watch Daddy play football.” I was in dumbfounded. My 2-year old just saw me as a supporter of her father. She only saw me as someone that watched her father play football – a spectator. I wasn’t living my dreams; I was living and supporting his dreams.
Consequently, my marriage ended when I was 28 years old. I returned to my hometown with two little girls, no money, no job and that same car from college. I had to do something. So I did what I do best; I began to exercise twice a day. During my divorce I dropped six sizes. I went from a size 12 to a size 6 in two months. Needless to say, I was depressed.
Something had to be done but I really didn’t know what I was good at.
I always enjoyed reading, so I started to read again. I began to read about spirituality and finding your true purpose. I began to look for things that made me happy and added them to my life. I let relationships go that drained me. I began to take care of myself. I treated myself to manicures and pedicures. Slowly I started to become a different person.
My ex-husband and I spoke after our divorce. He told me I was different, he said that I now had an opinion. That was a moment for me. I responded, “I guess I didn’t have anything to say before, because I wasn’t living my life.”
As mothers we care and give so much of ourselves that we sometimes forget who and what we are. Take the time daily to remember that before motherhood, we were women. We must be women first in order to become mothers. Our children need to see who their mothers are.
By becoming my “true” self, I have made new friends and have attracted more lessons and blessings into my life. I grow daily and now my daughters see me as their loving, strong mother. But they always see Carrice – not just a person “watching someone else’s life.” Now I’m the participant in my own life.
Create balance between motherhood, marriage, work and all the many roles we have. Remember to be that woman your husband fell in love with and wanted to marry. Remember and find your gifts. Develop your gifts and give them to the world and make your imprint in the lives of your families. We are all mothers now, but first and forever we will continue to be women.
Do you have any advice for those trying to be the best mother they can be and still hold on to the person that will remain when the children leave? Have you ever been there? Are you there?
Carrice Deering-Quinnie is a native of Columbus. She is a professional working in Corporate America with her current company for 6 years. Carrice is a divorced, single mother of three girls, ages 11, 9 and 3 months.
