Photo Credit: dollarphotoclub.com
Building real relationships in a virtual\ microwave world
By Guest Blogger Carrice Quinnie
Relationships. We all have them: friendships, professional relationships and, of course, personal loving relationships.
The desire to connect with others is the human condition. When something exciting happens, we want someone to share it with. And when something bad happens, we want someone to be there to alleviate some of the pain. We all want stable relationships, but some of us have a hard time initiating, building and maintaining them.
In this day and age, we have lost the willingness to constructively build and maintain any type of relationship, unless it gives us some type of instant reward. Mass Media floods our subconscious with sounds, images and words that promote violence and selfishness. Women fighting in the streets for entertainment. Reality shows showing couples falling in love in just a few weeks. Instant food, instant cash, and my favorite… just pay $499.99 for an instant divorce. NOW, NOW, NOW!!!
We have literally been programmed to be lazy and inconsistent, not putting much time and dedication to achieve anything, especially positive relationships. The patience gene has been sucked out of us! So, of course we have problems with relationships. All relationships take patience, selfless work and complete understanding. To change our mentalities towards relationships we must first learn to communicate effectively.
Communication – Yes, communication! Let’s open our mouths and our hearts, and let’s start communicating…constructively! For example, if you want Mexican for lunch and your coworker wants Chinese, communicate. Express and tell feelings, instead of holding it in and then spending the entire lunch hour with a stank face! You can’t enjoy lunch and just sit there not even listening or engaging in meaningful conversation because of you didn’t open your mouth and express your food desires. We always say, “They should have known, or they should have asked, or they should have cared…” Should, should, should.” No one can read our minds on a consistent basis. We need to set personal boundaries and get comfortable communicating personal needs. Two-way, positive communication deepens our relationship bonds and closes the gaps of misunderstandings. Communication is the first step, followed by her close cousin listening.
Listen – Listen with patience. In every personal encounter, listen. People tell us who and what they are. Receive the information and let go of all assumptions, bias, and prejudgments. Listening to others’ opinions and perspectives broadenings our life experiences. We learn and grow together. When we listen attentively, process the information and then come to a mutual agreement or plan — we grow in patience and therefore love. We learn to have patience during problems, and we also learn to have patience with others and, in turn, with ourselves.
Knowledge of Self – Honestly, before we can have any type of consistent, positive relationship with anyone in any capacity, we must have knowledge and love of ourselves. Take the time and get to know who we are. Reflect on past relationships and friendships. Were they mutually successful? What were some of the problems? Why didn’t things work? Evaluate likes, dislikes, set personal boundaries, and learn what things are tolerable and what are relationship deal breakers. Embrace physical and personal flaws. If it’s something that could be changed or tweaked, do it! Understand what and why, then accept it! Comprehend it and love it! Having a personal relationship with self is essential.
Photo credit: dollarphotoclub.com
I had 10 months of personal loving time with myself during my last pregnancy. I made certain decisions to this point in my life and now I needed to understand why. So I took the time to really know the woman who is Carrice. I went back to my childhood, teen years, twenties and present to get a grasp of why. I asked myself all the hard questions and held myself accountable. I didn’t blame anyone for my circumstances. I talked – communicated with myself. I wrote my feelings down and I wasn’t hard on myself for having certain feelings or emotions. I just went with it and listened to myself. I showed myself patience, which grew into understanding. I understood why I preferred certain people and why others irritated me. Why I sometimes went mute and went into hiding from my friends and family. I then cultivated love for myself!
It didn’t happen overnight. It wasn’t instant and it took time and work. I developed a relationship with myself and now I’m taking that love and understanding in other personal interactions and relationships.
Here is what I learned… Building anything takes work. If something isn’t working — communicate, listen and have patience. Make the necessary changes. Never stay in an unsafe environment. If safety is not an issue, fix it.
I love this Rwandan proverb:
“If you are building a house and a nail breaks, do you stop building or do you change the nail?”
We have the power to have any type of relationships we want, but we have to participate and give the effort. Get away from microwave living and loving. Change your mentality and make it happen, then it will.
Lovingly,
Carrice
Carrice Quinnie is native of Columbus, Ga. She is a divorced, single-mother of three girls, ages 13, 11 and 2. Through college, marriage, motherhood, divorce and single-parenting Carrice has learned valuable, maturing life lessons. Increasing in her own self-awareness, Carrice hopes her words will bring enlightenment and healing to women and their families.
